Why My Heart is Breaking
A Leadership Lession on Toxic Leadership
What good is it for you to gain the whole world, yet forfeit your soul? Mark 36:8
As a child, did you ever play the game King of the Mountain? For those who have never played, the goal is to be the first person to reach the top of a hill and then stay there. The game can become very competitive and intense as players push, shove, trip, and fight to get to the top. Once you’re at the top, others can challenge you, and it’s your job to resist them as they try to knock you off and take your place. There was no formal organization to this game. It usually ended up being chaotic and a free-for-all, where inevitably someone got hurt.
Whenever I played this game, I rarely managed to win. I fought just like the other players, and I didn’t give in or give up. But I never claimed the top of the mountain because it always seemed as if I was the lightest and smallest player in the game. Usually, the bigger, stronger kids won, and most of them boasted that they were the King of the Mountain and would stay there forever.
I still remember the neighbourhood bully who always seemed to win this game. I initially envied him and wanted to be just like him. He was a leader; however, what I came to realize was that he was not a leader I could admire. In fact, even though he always ended up at the top of the mountain, his boasting made many of us in the neighbourhood grow to dislike him. Yes, he always seemed to be the King of the Mountain, but as his bullying continued and most of us grew older and wiser, it didn’t take long for many of us to stop playing with him. That neighbourhood “king” became the loner and outcast as others grew tired of his bullying and bragging.
Looking back, the King of the Mountain story I just shared taught me a valuable lesson in leadership. Leaders like the neighbourhood bully may have qualities that attract people. Yet, eventually, people grow weary of their domineering and exclusionary traits, and over time, they begin to withdraw, drift away, or leave. People rarely rebel, as they fear the consequences. Toxic leaders model opposition, disunity, hate, revenge, and scarcity.
Their relentless pursuit of reaching the summit and remaining there leads to ego-driven, selfish, and power-hungry leadership. By undermining morale, trust, and collaboration, such toxic leadership creates environments that make it difficult to work with someone who values winning at all costs. These leaders foster cultures of distrust and sow discontent. They do not generate faithful followers; instead, they demand unwavering loyalty and only tolerate submission to their authority.
Because of the recent success of some well-known toxic leaders gaining power, we are starting to see this kind of toxic leadership reappear in organisations, boardrooms, businesses, and governments. Permission for this type of leadership is becoming more common once again. Every day, our news broadcasts, social media posts, and newspapers are filled with stories showing the consequences of toxic leaders using disruptive and harmful tactics to outsmart, manipulate, and push others aside to gain power by any means necessary.
Numerous studies on leadership have shown that toxic leaders can fracture, polarize, and ultimately destroy organisations, institutions, families, and even countries. As a lifelong student of leadership, I have become increasingly disheartened by what I observe and read about. Actually, my heart is breaking.
However, it doesn’t have to be this way. Instead of letting toxic leaders set the tone, leaders who believe in and practise what I call “tiller leadership” must resist, speak out, in order to stop poisonous leadership. Instead of adopting destructive strategies, tiller leaders rise because they care for, nurture, support, and stand behind their followers. They reach out and invite people to join them rather than push them aside. People become followers and co-leaders. They choose to stay and work with the leader because their worth is recognised and their contributions are valued.
I believe that most leaders do not start out intending to gather a group of bruised and battered colleagues as they lead. However, as they acquire more power, their pride, blind ambition, and competitiveness often cause them to forget those who supported them along the way and those willing to help make them more effective.
We must be mindful of how we lead. There is no space for the toxicity that some leaders use to control their organisations, businesses, and communities. The rise of toxic leadership is unacceptable. It is a style marked by leaders who focus on their own importance and personal gain, often at the expense of others. By selfishly putting their needs above the well-being of others, toxic leaders cause irreplaceable damage, which can ultimately lead to the breaking apart and collapse of organisations, communities, and governments.
Leadership is tough enough without having to battle alone at the top of the mountain. Effective leadership is not like the bully in my childhood neighbourhood. While he thought he won, in the end he was not at the top at all. Instead, he ended up at the bottom of the hill, lonely and wondering why no one wanted to play with him.
It is time to embrace healthy leadership where all can thrive and can contribute. We are called to lead, in our relationships, families, neighbourhoods, and communities. Become a leader who exemplifies collaboration, unity, love, forgiveness, and abundance. Let us ensure that our leadership mission is to plant, water, and nurture ourselves and others. Our world will be a better place.